Why Try?

I have tried to prove myself to others for years.

I remember being told that because of the color of my skin, I would be judged differently. As a result, I had
to work 200% harder just to be 'accepted' at the same level as my white counterparts.

It didn't help that I was immersed in a sea of white faces throughout my entire life. From my time as a tot in Montessori School all the way to graduate studies, I was one of a handful of brown faces. Then extend that to the workforce, which isn't much more diverse from my experience.

I also participated in activities that were not perceived to be suited for a person of my hue. I remember as a young piano student, a teacher asked me how I knew how to play classical music. As if to indicate that a person like me would not have any connection to such music.

On the other side of the fence, those who looked like me thought me to be strange because of my connection to classical music, ballet, and other so called 'white' activities.

Choosing the type of activities like classical piano, ballet and voice put an incredible amount of pressure on me. My Alpha personality would constantly apply pressure to an already meticulous and harrowing practice.

Any defeat or failing would plummet me into the depths of despair. I could not accept a compliment or a criticism. I took the criticism way too seriously and did not believe the compliments.

This followed me into all aspects of life...

My time in pageants increased my obsession with being skinny and flawless. Auditions and casting calls for theater pushed me even further into doing everything 'just right'.

It didn't help that I was teased and ostracized by some of my peers in school.

I tried harder and harder to fit in, to be the best, to exceed expectations of myself and others.

I even worked hard to please God. This was the beginning of my fall from the high tower of expectations, to say the least. How can anyone in their own flawed human existence please God?

On the other side of this tunnel of proving myself constantly, I discovered that trying harder and harder made me tired and sad. And turned me into someone other than who I truly am.

Although I still struggle with proving myself I believe I am less concerned with how others see me and more concerned with being truthful with myself.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect, the best, superior. I'm tired. Right now I stop trying knowing that not trying in my alpha way allows me to breath, enjoy and discover life as it should be.

Repressed and Delayed

A strange thing happened in the car this morning. I was listening to a classical music station on the radio for a change of pace. Well to be honest, my AUX cord broke off inside my iPhone so I'm unable to listen to Internet radio or my own play list. 

Chopin Ballad No. 3 started to play, what a treat! During my days as a pianist I loved playing Chopin more than any other composer. 

This is when the strange happened.

Either repressed or delayed feelings made my eyes drown with tears as I listened to that Ballad again. I mean the huge alligator tears one gets after heartbreak.

I closed the lid on my Young Chang baby grand piano close to 20 years ago. I closed the lid many times before, but this time it was closing the lid or chapter on my hopes and dreams to play the piano professionally.

I didn't cry at the time or feel overwhelming sadness from what I can remember. But I believe I underestimated how painful that was. Piano meant the world to me. I lived and breathed nothing but the piano. I can't compare anything else I have done since with that obsessive dream. Not even my current dream is that powerful.

I think of closing the lid again on this 'career'. It's hard. But with this delayed feeling coming to the surface after all these years, I have second thoughts. Living with a dream unrealized is hard and painful. But the pain I felt today after realizing I let that dream die was overwhelming.