Cee Lo Green's twitter rant, It's not Rape if the woman is passed out and the recent Bill Cosby assault allegations re-opened an old wound of mine.
I was an eager 24 year old performer hitting the pavement in my hometown outside Detroit, Michigan. Following graduation I was determined to make it in the business so I auditioned like crazy anywhere and everywhere I could.
Following a contract at a summer stock theatre in Augusta, Michigan I got a call from Second City - Detroit to join their touring company and understudy the main stage show. I was SO excited. I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live and I was certain this opportunity could open the door.
Our director was an unstable individual, at his own admission he was mentally ill. He regularly drank liquor at rehearsals and had awful mood swings. At the same time, a fellow cast member and I struck up a somewhat flirty friendship. The two situations came to a boil on a night in October. October 30th, Devil's Night.
During rehearsal a few castmates and our director went to the bar for a bottle of vodka. Towards the end of rehearsal our director became increasingly angered by our lack of imagination during the improv games. He started to focus his anger towards me and proceeded to unzipped his pants and show me his penis saying "is this what girls like?". I screamed, told him to stop and covered my eyes. But he continued. I ran from the room, he followed me, grabbed me and kept me from going to the lobby for help. He started to cry and tell me about how no one loves him and how he wanted to help us become better performers.
After we were 'released' from rehearsal my flirtatious friend who I thought was there to comfort me furthered my terror that night. He took me to his apartment and proceeded to undress and initiate sex with me. At that point I was in no position to fight physically, I was drained and in shock from what happened at rehearsal. All I could say is "I don't want to" over and over. He finally stopped. But from that moment on it has been near impossible to trust situations where I am required to trust others during times of weakness.
I later found out two of my castmates were sober enough to see what was going on but did not do anything to help. I was very young, very impressionable and eager. I didn't want to make a scene, I was intimidated and afraid that my career would not be furthered if I disclosed what happened to me (even though half the cast witnessed it). I was also shocked and ashamed that a person who was trusted with the safety and creative growth of a group of performers could do something so awful.
A week later we convened for more rehearsals and everyone including myself tried to act like nothing happened until months later when word got out. It's interesting how people are into gossiping about stuff but don't bother to reach out and help. Our producer gathered the cast together and confronted us about the situation. Still, nothing was done to the director. No charges brought against him or any punishment rendered. I didn't say a word throughout the entire ordeal. I was numb, hurt and ashamed. He was transferred. And we were all let go from our contract.
I understand why these women are coming forward. I feel foolish for not saying anything back then. The now me without a doubt would say something. But I was not the woman that I am today. If telling my story can make a change or help another victim then at least something "good" can come from it.
It's really a shame that victims are blamed and questioned. Time and time again a woman is put on the spot about her role in rape. What she wears, how she acted, what she said, what she did or didn't say. The man? He's supported and defended.
Can we please agree that the only time it is ok to initiate sexual behavior of any kind is if the person says yes. Only YES! That a person will not drug or coerce or use power and position to force anyone into sex. I pray those pointing their fingers will never have to be in the position these individuals (including myself) found themselves in.
