Repressed and Delayed

A strange thing happened in the car this morning. I was listening to a classical music station on the radio for a change of pace. Well to be honest, my AUX cord broke off inside my iPhone so I'm unable to listen to Internet radio or my own play list. 

Chopin Ballad No. 3 started to play, what a treat! During my days as a pianist I loved playing Chopin more than any other composer. 

This is when the strange happened.

Either repressed or delayed feelings made my eyes drown with tears as I listened to that Ballad again. I mean the huge alligator tears one gets after heartbreak.

I closed the lid on my Young Chang baby grand piano close to 20 years ago. I closed the lid many times before, but this time it was closing the lid or chapter on my hopes and dreams to play the piano professionally.

I didn't cry at the time or feel overwhelming sadness from what I can remember. But I believe I underestimated how painful that was. Piano meant the world to me. I lived and breathed nothing but the piano. I can't compare anything else I have done since with that obsessive dream. Not even my current dream is that powerful.

I think of closing the lid again on this 'career'. It's hard. But with this delayed feeling coming to the surface after all these years, I have second thoughts. Living with a dream unrealized is hard and painful. But the pain I felt today after realizing I let that dream die was overwhelming.

My Country, 'Tis of Thee

I love America, the good ole USA, my home. I really do. But I have issues with where our country has been and the direction our great land is heading.

There are alot of Americans who love to talk about returning to an America that closely mirrors the intentions of the founding fathers. These same founding fathers who owned slaves, saw nothing wrong with it, yet proclaimed that all men are free.

I believe this is where the dichotomy began and continues. Some may call it hypocritical, but for the sake of keeping my emotions in check to communicate clearly I will use the word dichotomy. I remember after 9/11 many politicians said we must fight for our freedom to walk about and live our lives freely. That we should not let others terrorize and change our way of living.

We live in a land of the free, but at the same time there are alot of us who are not free. The pursuit of happiness as the constitution states seems to be a fantasy for many. Yet those same people who want to return to the founding father's ideas, want to spread this "freedom" worldwide. Yes, we have free speech. For the most part. We have the ability to pursue happiness up to a point. But I'm not sure we are that different from the countries we are trying to democratize.

The world was watching...

When our bank system toppled the entire world economy without accountability or punishment
When we imprisoned (or interned as it was put) the Japanese citizens of this country
When Africans were brought to the Americas on ships and enslaved
When American Indians were cheated/bullied out of land they rightfully owned
When the Africans who were enslaved later were denied equal access to bathrooms, education, employment
When children are abused and molested with no report at the hands of a unified church system
When certain political groups feel the basic needs for food and shelter be denied to others

When....this list can get very very very long

Our troops are deployed to fight for the above atrocities in other parts of the world. How about we address our own?

There are two Americas. Those who have the freedom to walk about freely without fear of a police officer (or a want to be officer) questioning their motives, and those who do not enjoy that freedom. There are those who wonder if a store clerk is watching them because their hue is more likely to steal. There are parents who dread the day their son or daughter brings home a person of a darker hue.

I have spent most of my life living, working, going to school as a minority. One thing I learned quickly is some in the majority don't consider us human. This may seem harsh at first, but to me it's the only way I can figure out how one can justify killing another person because of what they look like. Some think African Americans have tails, Oprah had a guest who told her so. If one does not regard a person as human with a soul then killing that person becomes an afterthought. Much like this dog shooting earlier this month. Animal shelter workers can attest, many innocent creatures are treated horribly (I do not condone animal cruelty at all). Burned, hung, kicked, used for fighting, sold. Sound familiar?

I AM HUMAN!

These same founding father supporters will uphold the right to life, but show no mercy to the loss of life at the hands of a another. Dichotomy. Maybe they want more little brown and black lives to oppress. Makes them feel more important?

When a young unarmed man is shot in cold blood and the justice system essentially turns a blind eye to this atrocity, we have a big problem. But to me it seems like the same America we started with. If this is what the founding fathers intended then God will NOT bless America.

My country, 'tis of thee,

Stronghold of slavery, of thee I sing;

Land where my fathers died,

Where men man’s rights deride,

From every mountainside thy deeds shall ring!

Abolitionist verses, 1843, A. G. Duncan 

Ms. Frugality

Frugal: entailing little expense; requiring few resources; meager

I am frugal, both by nature and necessity.

In my youth, our family did well enough that we lived a bit outside the frugal definition. Or at least I wasn't aware of penny pinching. But my Mother was especially gifted at finding bargains and stretching a buck, which I believe was acquired from her mother who lived on a very modest income.

This rubbed off on me and has especially become more of a focus in recent years. After racking up over $11,000 in credit card debt in my 20's (thanks to AMEX giving me a credit card my freshman year of 
college ), paying that off and then getting back into debt $5,000 because of medical bills my insurance did not cover enough was enough. 

Currently, I adhere to a zero credit card debt tolerance, which means if I do use a credit card I have to have the cash coming in to pay it off in full. The only debt I still maintain is my car and student loans. I adopted this zero credit card debt tolerance after my medical bill debt was paid in full. Which culminated in a court visit because of an evil credit consolidation company (long-long story). As a result, there are alot of things I have to simply do without.

After my layoff in 2011 my salary plummeted drastically. I was unable to afford the rent I was paying in NYC and it wasn't even high by NYC standards. I wasn't living in luxury either, my apartment was a middle income government subsidized unit. Staying in NYC wasn't too much of an option with rents increasing and the job market decreasing. So with my move I was at least afforded an opportunity to secure a job and pay a little less rent. But then there's that car payment...

Nevertheless, I try to work it out.  I hold three jobs and I have a fourth in the works. Even though to most on the outside looking in it appears I am "rolling in the dough". This is really a matter of choices I make in regards to my purchases.

Home

When I moved from NYC I sold pretty much everything except my kitchen items and clothing. Since moving I didn't replace too much of anything. I don't have a TV or a bed, I sleep on a futon mattress (much more comfy and firmer than a saggy mattress). I just bought an "AS IS" chair from IKEA (YAY!). Everything else was either donated or found in the trash (no shame since alot of people throw out perfectly nice stuff).

Wardrobe

Yes I have a Michael Kors bag. Did I pay full price? Hell no. I learned a long time ago from my Mother that quality is worth more in the long run. I carried a Kenneth Cole bag I bought for $100 at TJ Maxx for close to 10 years until it literally fell apart. I think I got my money's worth. I bought my Michael Kors bag on Ebay for $115 and I plan on carrying it for a very long time. As far as the rest of my wardrobe, I use coupons from DSW when I need new shoes, shopping exclusively in the clearance section. There's nothing in my closet that I have paid full price for UNLESS it was from Forever 21 or H&M. The remaining items I find at thrift or clearance. My most accomplished item is a Barney's New York jacket that was 6.99 from the Salvation Army (it was 50% off too). That sucker retailed $600. Woo Hoo!

Food

I do buy organic but only because this keeps my medical bills down to zero since I'm currently under-insured. When I do buy organic I buy moderate portions and stretch every bit of food. For example, this past week I bought a pre-cooked organic chicken and vegetables along with other items for the week. I don't buy juices or soda or other junk foods since they tend to cost more. I drink Water, Tea, Almond milk. Special treats are Kind bars which I buy at Trader Joe's because they are $1.49 instead of close to $2 elsewhere. Total grocery bills average just under $65. After the chicken was eaten I boiled the remains and made soup with the leftovers including the veggies. I had enough food to make it from Sunday to Saturday. I carry a lunch bag to work everyday. I carry snacks and small meals in the car so I don't eat out. But if I do eat out it is at affordable organic based places (unless I get a Groupon for something). I had to put it this way in my mind; if I am spending roughly $10 a day for a lunch at work then that adds up to about $200 per month. I simply cannot afford an extra $200 a month food expense. Case closed.

Entertainment

My only "cable" is Netflix and the Internet. I pay $40 total for them since I get the Netflix streaming option for $7.99/month. I wouldn't bother with Internet except my part time job is online teaching so I am required to have access to the Internet from home. In addition, if I go to the movies I choose wisely. I average 3 movies a year unless I can go to the budget theater ($3 here in LA). I do partake in an occasional stage play but get the seats really far away unless they are rush tickets (I miss NYC rush tickets). Everything else I do is free or very very cheap.

Beauty

I cut my own hair, polish my own nails, do my facials and everything else. The make up I buy is over the counter. I had to give up the MAC and Sephora obsession with my pay cut. I try to stay away from the chemical based make up brands if my budget allows. 

Health care

Since I am under-insured I make sure I keep exercise apart of my schedule as well as natural supplements. I eat well too so I can keep my immunity up to par. Gym membership was on sale for $50 a month which is worth every penny for the results I get. I also found an affordable acupuncturist and massage therapist. Knock on wood, I haven't been deathly ill since losing my really good insurance in 2011. I plan to try my best to keep it this way. 

Working the system

For the few things I am not able to pay off quickly I take advantage of no interest options. For instance, I bought my iPad (refurbished 2nd generation which is my TV set essentially) on a card offering zero interest. As long as I paid it off in 6 months, interest would not incur. I also take advantage of the rewards programs which offer gift cards for a certain number of points. My next purchase will be a new laptop, since my current one is dying. I hope to get a no interest deal from one of my cards soon.

Stewardship of Property

The one thing that helps keep costs down is to take very good care of my stuff. For instance, I took my 5 year old MacBook to the Apple store and the technicians all raved about how well he (I do assign gender to my beloved items) looked. I figure if I take care of what I have then the likelihood I will need to replace it is decreased. Wish I could say the same about my iPhone, knock on wood the poor thing is going strong after it fell down a flight of subway stairs and into a toilet (on separate occasions). Same with clothing, I hang dry most of my clothing so they last longer. The dryer ruins alot of clothing. And of course my wonderful used car, I make sure she is well taken care of.

So there it is, my frugal system. I really wrote this to help me be accountable to myself and see how much I am stretching my dollars these days. But I hope that maybe this will help YOU stretch your dollars too!

To Facebook or NOT to Facebook?

Even though Facebook has been around for a relatively short amount of time, it seems like forever. Since Facebook has taken over the world it seems if you aren't on Facebook you don't exist. These days when people meet they say "I'll find you on Facebook" instead of "I'll call you!" Don't get me wrong, I love Facebook and what it has done for the world. But I wonder if a good thing can get out of hand?

I joined Facebook in 2006. I remember clearly because I was recuperating from major surgery, pretty much bed bound and bored. After I joined, I found a whole new world with old friends and acquaintances waiting to reconnect. And to get in my business.

For the most part my Facebook experience has been great, but there are a few problems I have with our increasing connection to Facebook and the disconnect from basic human interaction. Facebook isn't the only culprit, there are many technological reasons for the human disconnect. Be it texting, Twittering, Instagraming. Look around at how many heads are down and focused on tiny smartphone screens tunneling their lives into a less than 5 inch screen. A chiropractor's dream!

In fact, I tend to question and shy away from anything that creates a massive following without question. Not much for drinking the kool aid anymore. Besides, sometimes the BS factor involved in the whole scene is a little too much for me to stomach.

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Not everyone on Facebook is a friend. Even before Facebook I had very few friends so it perplexed me when my friend list increased to almost 1000 people. How can it be humanly possible to maintain any kind of intimacy when there are that many people on your friend list?

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There was a conservative religious phase I went through a few years back (I touched on this in a previous post). When I responded to a friend's post on Facebook a former religious leader saw my profile picture and questioned my friend about how I was dressed. Then went on to question my spiritual strength, and on and on. WAIT. Excuse me? Back in the day this person wouldn't have access to any of my pictures. I mean honestly that religious leader should not have been on Facebook if he listened to his own sermons. OUCH. Thank you Facebook.

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Have you ever had a Facebook friend shun you in the flesh? Kid you not, I had a friend on Facebook that I actually knew in the flesh before we became Facebook friends. However, when I saw this person in public they hardly acknowledged my existence. That is plain rude. Delete.

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Just because there are 20-30 friends in common between us, it doesn't mean WE should be Facebook friends. I stopped accepting requests from strangers no matter how many Facebook friends we had in common. I knew it was too much when someone yelled my name in the middle of Times Square, I turn around and didn't recognize the person. We were Facebook friends. Embarrassing!

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I always felt the need to censor myself, because inevitably there would be some smart ass who would hijack my status updates. Usually these were people I didn't know in person or many years had passed since we connected. Some of my posts were taken out of context or where misunderstood completely. This is when I discovered the limited and restricted profile functions.

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I am an actor and inevitably Facebook friend-ed actors or others in the industry. I could have been dead or held hostage by zombies but did they know? Nope. They are more interested in posting show information all over MY WALL. It's like going over to a friends' house without permission to paint their walls. A very ugly color. The nerve. Facebook can be less about friends and more about self promotion.

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Random messages from guys talking about "You're so beautiful, can we be friends?" Uh-NO. Then I had a guy I friend-ed because we had 30 friends in common only to delete him after inappropriate comments about sexuality in response to status updates that had nothing to do with sexuality. This is when I discovered the block feature.

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Speaking of blocking. I stopped allowing my profile to remain public because someone got a hold of my cell phone number on a mutual friends wall. She liked him and thought I did too so proceeded to text "he doesn't like you so why don't I stop commenting on his posts". O.K. Delete and BLOCK.

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This has brought me to my final conclusion. As I decrease my friend list to less than 35, one fact remains. Those who are my friends will be my friends regardless of our friendship status on Facebook. In fact, I think it will be a test of true friendship. I believe Facebook has made us lazy. "I wonder how Jane is doing? Well let me check her profile." click-click-click. 7 times out of 10 the status updates and profile posts don't tell the true story.

My use for Facebook will be for professional purposes. That way there is no confusion about how I approach my page and what content is appropriate. For me the boundary must be clear in order to maintain my sanity.

Thank you.

NYC ---> LA <---NYC

I miss New York City at times, alot less than I thought, but  nevertheless I miss it.

New York City was the last place I thought I would end up living. That's the funny thing about life; as Forest Gump would say "it's like a box of chocolates."

I ended up living in New York City not once but twice. 11.5 years total. At the time I didn't realize the impact that powerful city would have on my life. I still wonder how I ended up in New York City when I resisted it so much.

"Why would I move to a city where the apartments are the size of shoe boxes!" ~ Me

Most would agree New York City possesses an energy like no other. People walk faster, talk faster, work faster. The energy seems to pulse through the city like a drug. New York City is addictive. At first the city is overwhelming, too much to take in, but then those very attributes keeps one wanting more and more. The city that never sleeps. New York City snatched my heart and took it, kept it and held on. It's still holding on.

But alas, I have moved on. In a way I feel like an unfaithful lover or a newly divorced woman looking for a fresh start. I moved on to a sunnier, less addictive city. A slower, dreamier, WARMER city.

I committed the cardinal New Yorker sin. I moved to Los Angeles.

{Moment of silence}

Rewind many many years ago, after my time in undergrad at The University of Michigan, I was headed to LA after my stints at summer stock and Second City - Detroit respectively. LA was the place to go to be in the movies. And that's what I wanted. To be in the movies.

After my scouting trip out west I decided to make the move. I returned to Michigan, packed my car and planned to move in 2 weeks time. Then I got a call from United Airlines to attend flight attendant training in Chicago. I decided to take them up on that offer since they have a base in LA. I would have a job right off the bat. But my plan didn't work out as expected. The base in LA wasn't open so the only choices were: Chicago, Boston, or Philadelphia.

I chose Philadelphia. Chicago is way too cold and I didn't particularly like Boston when I visited. The City of Brotherly Love seemed to be a good pick. And that city was my pipeline to the Big Apple. It was a bit more practical than that, being the queen of practical. I was spending so much time in New York City taking acting classes that I thought... heck, let me just move there. So I put in my transfer to New York City and within the month it was final. Got my transfer and moved to New York City.

The rest is history, including my short stint in South Carolina concluding in the return to New York City.

I thought the last time I moved to New York City would be the last move for me ever! Plus I got more and more sucked into the power of New York City. And as a result, vowed never to move to Los Angeles. No matter how much I wanted to be in the movies.

Never say never. LA started whispering in my ear back in the spring of 2012. I tried to ignore it, after all I was exclusive with New York City. How could I betray him?

But those whispers got louder as I endured another job loss and rent increase. Also an unfortunate bout with Seasonal Affective Disorder in the Fall of 2012 really had an impact on the LA voice in my head. Finally, after my survey trip to LA in November, which occurred on the heels of Hurricane Sandy, I made up my mind. For the first time ever I dreaded returning to New York City. Shocking! At that point I knew I needed to break it off. But how?

Step by step I made arrangements and by February 2013 I was LA bound!

Unlike New York City, LA has grown on me at a slower pace. LA is the type of city that is pretty unassuming since the weather speaks for itself. But it also allows me to breath for a moment and take in all that there is. With the exception of the traffic, LA is wooing me quite gently. At every new discovery I fall more in love.

However, every now and then my old lover whispers my name and the tug on my heart begins again.

Finally, Olivia Pope!

I love Scandal.

And I know I'm not alone.

As an actress, this show has been a huge encouragement. Quality writing, a compelling story, well developed characters; a rare thing these days. I also tend to pay close attention to shows that include women of color.  At the same time, I have been confronted with the realization of the deep void of relatable characters during my television viewing life. Until now.

I had the rare opportunity to study the pilot script during an on-camera acting class. My teacher asked me to prepare the Olivia Pope scenes. From that first reading I could tell Scandal was going to be a phenomenal show. I was a fan even before it began. When I later found Kerry Washington would be Olivia Pope, I was overjoyed! I had just seen her in Race on Broadway, and even had the opportunity to audition for the role of Susan (understudy).

I remember relating to the Molly Ringwald characters in Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink.
Ally McBeal is another character I could relate to. As well as some Meg Ryan characters (You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally)  However, none of these characters actually looked like me. I wondered would (or could) a woman of color ever be cast in a similar role?

There was a ray of light in a web series created by Issa Rae. The character in this project mirrored some of my life experiences, thoughts, and world views. And she is a woman of color! Would there be more of the same for women of color? Similarly, women like Mindy Kaling are making their unique voices heard despite the pervasive stereotypes imposed upon our hues.

Without discussing existing stereotypes (that gets old quick), I will say that in addition to the cultural stereotypes that our peers subject women of color to, the media tends to contribute to these stereotypes as well. I don't blame them, the formula is safe. It guarantees viewers and subsequently ratings. However, many of us have been alienated. I believe with the person of Olivia Pope, those of us who  have been alienated are able to finally relate to a strong, intelligent, successful woman yet vulnerable (with flaws like the rest of us!). In a way, this has made Scandal that much more lovable.

Until Season 3...

Walkin'

I recently celebrated my 3rd month anniversary in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, I realized that walking would cease to exist in the way that I was accustomed. I'm still lamenting over the loss of the extra calories burnt and mini cardio sessions.

Trading the NYC subway for the highway proved to be quite an adjustment. Especially considering traffic is horrendous here.

But all hope for walking didn't end completely. If there is a will there is a way!

Turns out my apartment is less than a quarter mile from Trader Joe's, Starbucks, Walgreen's, CVS, and the Salvation Army (which has half off all merchandise on Saturdays). As I walked to Trader Joe's I discovered a small strip mall with a pizzeria, meat market, dry cleaners, pastry shop, and kabob shop! Not to mention a 7-11. That's just in one direction. There are many other shops and stores nearby. And a quarter mile isn't a long walk at all considering my walks in New York City were much much longer.

I also discovered the center of town is only 1.5 miles away which takes a little under 20 minutes to walk. So I can walk to the gym, the mall, parks and a whole slew of places! And with the beautiful weather we have here, it's really a sin not to walk if time permits.

Walking is pleasant, great exercise and good for our planet. Imagine if more citizens decided to walk! Perhaps traffic wouldn't be as crazy.

Another awesome opportunity to walk materialized by accident. In order to meet new people I decided to check out groups on MeetUp. To my surprise; walking groups!!

Apparently, Los Angeles is filled with secret stairs from back in the days when public transportation and walking were normal (why oh why did it end?!?!). Anyway, there is a group that walks all around up and down the lost staircases. During our last MeetUp we walked 6 miles!

My new city is really awesome, and the biggest shame is all the things I miss while zipping around in the car (even though I do love her - Hi Hana!). On my various walks I have discovered so many gems that I wouldn't have had I stayed in my car.

WALKIN'!!!!

My quest for walking will not end! I will find more ways to walk in Los Angeles.

The Lost Stairs of Los Angeles. This used to be a creek...