SEEK Part 2

I wandered around needlessly searching for love outside of myself.

God filled my soul with a fountain flowing with love. 

There is no need to seek it outside myself.

Now I can love...

Freely, joyfully, courageously.

Because I love me, and that's what truly matters.

~excerpt from my short film project SEEK

SEEK

We are constantly seeking something outside ourselves. 

We come out of the womb seeking.

First for air, then our mother's embrace.

Love, Acceptance, Intimacy.

When our seeking doesn't seem to yield results, we act 

out on ourselves or others.

I have come to realize we are all seeking the same thing.

Not able to give because we ourselves are spent, used up.

Tired of trying to get what we want or need.

What if everything we want or need is inside of us waiting to

be released?

- excerpt from my short film SEEK 

BuMpY iMpRoV rOaD

One of my fondest memories as a child was watching SNL with my Mom. Staying up late and snuggling in bed to watch was so special. I suppose some of the characters were etched in my mind because as I grew, reenacting scenes with my sister proved to be very entertaining and interesting. I watched folks like Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Martin Short, Gilda Radner, Jon Belushi, Mary Gross. I could go on and on. They entertained and inspired. But even though I loved performing, I never thought that I could do what the folks on SNL did.

Until I was chosen to join a prominent improv sketch group...

During the audition I had no idea what I was doing. Heck, I was an actor/singer/dancer. But improv?
What? My favorite part of the audition was the singing improv, I made up a song that actually made partial sense. I got the call to join the touring company in my hometown and freaked out! I guess I did something right?

What started as an exciting journey ended up being horribly difficult.

Our director wasn't well. Not exaggerating, he had a self professed mental issue. There would be times when he was kind and patient. But other times he would treat the cast in cruel ways. There was often liquor involved. Of course it didn't help that our theatre doubled as a bar. Sometimes we would drink to perform better or to get out of our heads for scenes. The final blow was when he did something that I should have rightfully pressed charges for.

After word about his behavior got back to our producer, the cast was chastised. A huge part of improv is supporting your fellow improvisers. When my cast mates did not support and protect me, they broke a rule of improv. And a basic rule of life. Don't stand by and allow abuse to happen without doing something about it.

Eventually I moved on and continued to perform. But not improv. In fact, I felt that I wasn't any good. I think it was a way of avoiding the pain. Somehow I equated improv with failure, abuse, and disappointment. I ended up avoiding the art form all together.

Until recently...

I've always been a pretty heady person. Over thinker, analytical, weigh all the options before proceeding. I bring this to all my work. But this is an awful combination when the creative side tries to enter the frame. I tried a method acting technique, which helped to access my emotional freedom but still something was off.

My first dip back into improv came while I was singing opera oddly enough. Again, since I was in my head all the time I tried an opera improvisation class. Still I had a block. Once more I tried another class, while I was in New York City. A short three week course with a show at the end. Little by little my confidence was restored and I began to see I could learn to like this again.

As I made the transition to LA I was looking to connect to the acting community. But I took advice from several actor friends about how important improv is out here. I noticed plenty of the auditions were improv based. So I took the plunge to find a place where I could regroup and relearn improv. After visiting some of the larger schools I settled on a very small and supportive studio. I felt I could not only learn and grow, but feel safe.

However, I didn't realize improv would also provide spiritual restoration. A local improv group provides free improv classes every week to the masses. This group happens to be affiliated with a church. For those of you who follow this blog know my struggle with church. When I found out this group was affiliated with a church I was sceptical. I imagined alter calls and mandatory chapel service. Not so. In fact, they have a prayer portion but it's very chill. No pressure and no judgement. It's interesting because these improv classes are more like church to me than when I went to church. I even started praying with the group afterwards. And unlike my former church experience, I don't feel judged but loved, supported and safe.

So there you have it, my bumpy improv road. I'm enjoying being silly and crazy! I'm also enjoying laughing at me again. But most of all I am glad to feel safe and supported. Who knows maybe something like SNL is possible after all.

The "Joys" of Unemployment

It's been almost a month since I lost my long term temporary assignment. I have held jobs continuously since the age of 13. Being out of work for any length of time is strange and scary, but I'm trying to make the best of it. Here are a few 'good' things about being unemployed...

1. I met my neighbor! My schedule was so ironclad (6:30am - 7pm M-F) that I wasn't around at the same time as my next door neighbor. I met her the other day, I have been living here for 6 months already! About time!
2. Went to odd places. Not really odd odd, but different. I found the LaBrea Tar Pits by accident for instance. I believe mixing it up makes for a change in energy which in turn allows my imagination and creativity to expand. Yay!
3. Traffic be gone! Because I am traveling at off peak times my experience with traffic has been cut by 75%! My sanity is restored and I am actually enjoying driving here for a change!
4. Crowd Free! No lines at the stores, the gym is a ghost town, all because I go at off peak times. Bonus!
5. Auditions Galore! I am not juggling a day job schedule so my audition choices have expanded. I even booked a small project already. That's a good thing!
6. Recharge Time! I pretty much started working my second week upon arrival to Los Angeles so I probably needed the rest. Although it's not been too restful since the need for money is at the back and front of my mind.
7. Thinking outside the box. I attended a few workshops at The Actor's Fund which really made me think about my true strengths, passions and interests. Teaching and Performing are both on the top of the list. Then there's supporting philanthropic organizations. If I could mix that all together, it would make for a yummy soup!
8. Lost a few inches. I have been trying to figure out why I was stuck at a certain level for awhile. I wanted to drop 10 more pounds after bulking up slightly with muscle. I knew it had to do with my food. So these past few weeks I have been cutting my grocery budget which in turn regulated my calorie intake in the right increment to battle those last inches. I can see my abs poking out a little now. YAY!
9. Reading. Finally got a library card! They let me choose the design too, which ended up being the Warner Bros logo (fitting for the neighborhood). I have been doing a fair amount of book reading lately (as opposed to magazines). 
10. Writing. I have a running list of writing projects that I have been slow to get to. Needless to say, I am getting caught up on a few first and second drafts.
11. I can do with alot less. I am usually a frugal person but living on close to zero has given me the opportunity to learn that I can live with even less. Being creative with resources has been interesting. 

Here's hoping to finding a new job before the unemployment runs out...

The Butler, The Help, oh MY!

There are a fair amount of people who feel African Americans do not need to portray maids, butlers and other servitude roles on screen.

I can understand to a certain extent, even in my own life I felt taking subservient roles to be beneath me. Yet ironically, I ended up working in service jobs for much of my working life.

I will never forget a short conversation I had as a child with my aunt from Alabama. She saw me writing and said I would make an excellent secretary. Thinking that was beneath me, I said "No I will be a doctor!!"

What am I doing now to make ends meet?

Joke is on me.

To my aunt, a secretary was highly regarded. Imagine living in a time when higher education was out of reach and the only jobs available were cleaning, taking care of children or working the land. Working in a fancy office was a major step up.

Domestic work was and is honest. The work allowed future generations to obtain a higher education. And even now, many people rely on labor like this to provide for their families.Good and honest work. Which should pay more, but that's a subject for another blog post...

So who am I to put anyone down because of their trade or occupation?

I saw The Butler and thought it was an excellent depiction of a family living during one of the most challenging times in history. More important, it portrayed a man of dignity, integrity, and pride. A man who was able to interface with countless Presidents during his work at The White House. His story is important, incredibly important. As an actor I would consider it an honor to be apart of a film like The Help or The Butler.

As a woman of faith, I find it interesting how the people in these roles had the responsibility and the privilege to make history, change perceptions about race, and pave the way for our future as a people. Sometimes God uses the least regarded to accomplish great things. Rosa Parks just popped into my head, she worked in a t-shirt factory until she became a secretary at the NAACP offices. From t-shirt factory worker to world changer. There is no shame in that.

Here is a description of a very interesting scene in The Butler. Explains my thoughts better than anything I can write.

Black domestic workers, King tells Louis, have played an important role in the struggle for civil rights. At first Louis assumes this is meant as mockery, but King presses on. Maids, butlers, nannies and other domestics have defied racist stereotypes by being trustworthy, hardworking and loyal, King says; in maintaining other people’s households and raising other people’s children, they have gradually broken down hardened and hateful attitudes. Their apparent subservience is also quietly subversive. This poignant and humbling recognition of the sacrifices made by millions of African-Americans who appeared to have no voice is an important turning point for Louis...retrieved from the following article

After years of serving others in the White House, we have an African American serving as President. I have no doubt those who served in overlooked roles paved the way.

Why Try?

I have tried to prove myself to others for years.

I remember being told that because of the color of my skin, I would be judged differently. As a result, I had
to work 200% harder just to be 'accepted' at the same level as my white counterparts.

It didn't help that I was immersed in a sea of white faces throughout my entire life. From my time as a tot in Montessori School all the way to graduate studies, I was one of a handful of brown faces. Then extend that to the workforce, which isn't much more diverse from my experience.

I also participated in activities that were not perceived to be suited for a person of my hue. I remember as a young piano student, a teacher asked me how I knew how to play classical music. As if to indicate that a person like me would not have any connection to such music.

On the other side of the fence, those who looked like me thought me to be strange because of my connection to classical music, ballet, and other so called 'white' activities.

Choosing the type of activities like classical piano, ballet and voice put an incredible amount of pressure on me. My Alpha personality would constantly apply pressure to an already meticulous and harrowing practice.

Any defeat or failing would plummet me into the depths of despair. I could not accept a compliment or a criticism. I took the criticism way too seriously and did not believe the compliments.

This followed me into all aspects of life...

My time in pageants increased my obsession with being skinny and flawless. Auditions and casting calls for theater pushed me even further into doing everything 'just right'.

It didn't help that I was teased and ostracized by some of my peers in school.

I tried harder and harder to fit in, to be the best, to exceed expectations of myself and others.

I even worked hard to please God. This was the beginning of my fall from the high tower of expectations, to say the least. How can anyone in their own flawed human existence please God?

On the other side of this tunnel of proving myself constantly, I discovered that trying harder and harder made me tired and sad. And turned me into someone other than who I truly am.

Although I still struggle with proving myself I believe I am less concerned with how others see me and more concerned with being truthful with myself.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect, the best, superior. I'm tired. Right now I stop trying knowing that not trying in my alpha way allows me to breath, enjoy and discover life as it should be.

Repressed and Delayed

A strange thing happened in the car this morning. I was listening to a classical music station on the radio for a change of pace. Well to be honest, my AUX cord broke off inside my iPhone so I'm unable to listen to Internet radio or my own play list. 

Chopin Ballad No. 3 started to play, what a treat! During my days as a pianist I loved playing Chopin more than any other composer. 

This is when the strange happened.

Either repressed or delayed feelings made my eyes drown with tears as I listened to that Ballad again. I mean the huge alligator tears one gets after heartbreak.

I closed the lid on my Young Chang baby grand piano close to 20 years ago. I closed the lid many times before, but this time it was closing the lid or chapter on my hopes and dreams to play the piano professionally.

I didn't cry at the time or feel overwhelming sadness from what I can remember. But I believe I underestimated how painful that was. Piano meant the world to me. I lived and breathed nothing but the piano. I can't compare anything else I have done since with that obsessive dream. Not even my current dream is that powerful.

I think of closing the lid again on this 'career'. It's hard. But with this delayed feeling coming to the surface after all these years, I have second thoughts. Living with a dream unrealized is hard and painful. But the pain I felt today after realizing I let that dream die was overwhelming.