Dating Los Angeles Style

This article was originally submitted to the Los Angeles Times but they didn't publish it. 

I could have used the $300 bucks. 

Oh Well... Here it is for you all to enjoy!

**names have been changed to protect and respect their privacy**

I started to cry in my doctor’s office after our discussion about getting pregnant at my advanced age. I wasn’t the only one, as I admitted my embarrassment she let me know she kept a box of tissues on her desk for that very reason. According to statistics, as a 42-year-old black female I have a better chance getting hit by lightening on Venice Beach than getting married. It seems that catching Ebola is more of a possibility than catching a man for me. As old fashioned as it may seem, I want to be married before I bring a child into the world. And at this point I am past the proverbial biological clock ticking, soon the biological clock alarm will sound.

I moved to Los Angeles from New York City in 2013. Surprisingly, I have found it incredibility difficult to connect with people in general let alone connect with possible guys to date. Some guys will agree to coffee or drinks and never confirm. The few that do confirm to meet up are looking for a friend with benefits. To complicate the dating issue even more, I am very open to dating interracially.  Even though I keep an open mind when considering a guy to date, some aren’t so open to dating a girl of my hue. However, not to be discouraged, I have continued to “put myself out there” and make things happen.

I have tried online dating countless times with no success. I have been on pretty much every popular and not so popular online dating site there is. But I decided to try again when I moved to Los Angeles. I joined Tinder after my sister sent me a link to the app. That was a big mistake. My time on tinder was short lived when several ‘gentlemen’ suggested a two am drive over to my place to ‘talk’.  I am not interested in a one-night stand. Thank you.

I started to reassess my situation. Could I be playing the dating game wrong? I had to reconsider what is important. Countless advice columns suggest single women over 40 should lower their standards to improve their dating options.  Unfortunately, I happen to be attracted to smart, funny, fit guys. Generally guys my age aren’t so fit. Despite my youthful and fit appearance I started to look out side the box and this is what happened...

I met Todd a 38-year-old sales executive on OK Cupid; we are both East Coast transplants and had a great phone conversation. I decided to meet him for drinks at an awesome place, The Bowery in Hollywood, which reminded me of New York City. I wore flats but towered over him at 5’4”. However, as much as I tried to force it, there was no chemistry between us.

I met Randy a 55-year-old software engineer at a Speed Dating event. During our five-minute speed date we had a great conversation. I wasn’t attracted to him at all but felt I should at least try. We met up at Perch with a table overlooking the beautiful DTLA skyline. This could have been a potentially romantic environment but it went south very quickly.  His insecurity seemed to get the best of him, he became a bit controlling and possessive, and it made me uncomfortable so I did not pursue a second date.

I tried a Lock and Key event at El Cid in Silverlake. The venue was excellent and so were the hors d'oeuvres provided with the price of admission. Every girl received a lock for the guys to unlock with their key. During the course of the evening I talked to as many guys as possible to see if they had the key to my lock and perhaps my heart. By the end of the night I had enough guys to open my lock to win two tickets to the Laemmle Theatre. Unfortunately I didn’t find a match so I will be going to the movies with me and myself.

As I began to think outside the box I realized the MeetUp groups I already frequented had plenty of single men. Since I started learning Italian recently, I joined an Italian conversation group. At one of the meetings I met Antonio, an avid soccer player, born and raised in Italy who was willing to help me practice speaking Italian. We met up for wine and cheese at Luna Vine Wine Bar. We had a lovely time and met up again. But all good things seem to come to an end as it relates to my dating life. He had to return to Italy indefinitely to help his family.

Ironically, it seems I have more luck with long distance dating. And I don’t mean dating a guy who lives as far away as Long Beach (I’m a Valley girl). I started dating a few guys who live across the Atlantic. The time zone difference alone makes it challenging to communicate. But as my biological alarm is soon to sound, I may need to consider the possibility that love could lead me away from Los Angeles. But the guy will have to be pretty special to tear me away from the city I have grown to love.

My Holiday Gift!

My Wish: Reflection and Gratitude

After the year our country and world has endured. I wish the world peace, kindness and love!

This year has been a difficult one. 2014 has had its ups and downs. 2014 mirrors 2013 in a lot of ways. I wonder what I am not learning about life. Apparently there are lessons I still need to learn.

The only thing that's different is how I have chosen to react to the ups and downs. I don't react perfectly but I try. Very hard. 

My reaction. Thankfulness.

I am thankful for what I have in my life. Thankful for friends, very dear friends. For family, because many aren't blessed to have present family members. Thankful for health and a wonderful place to live. For all of this I am very thankful. 

Whenever I feel rejected or disappointed or long for all my dreams to come true, I try to think of what I am thankful for. 

As hard as it may be, my 2015 goal is to be thankful for the downs as much as the ups. Hopefully the ups will outweigh the downs this year.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2015 to all of you!

Victim Blaming and Shaming

My last post discussed my response to the Cosby rape allegations. But another news story brought up some unpleasant memories from my past once again.

A New York Times article discussed recent recommendations regarding the sexual abuse cover up affiliated with my alma mater Bob Jones University. 

According to the article...

"Bob Jones University told sexual abuse victims they were to blame for their situations, some of which took place for long periods of childhood; report says university actively advised victims not to report such incidents to police; respondents to confidential survey detailed hurtful, often startling treatment by the evangelical Christian institution"

I may need to explain the reason I attended BJU in a separate blog post since I get questions whenever I am brave enough to actually admit to attending the school. But I did go to BJU and what the article states is not at all surprising. 

I attended an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church (IFB) while I lived in New York City from 1998-2003. When I first arrived I felt the people to be loving and kind.  But soon, the extreme doctrine the pastor preached was taking over my life. I was a dancer, musician and actor but gave all of that up to serve God. I wanted to go into the music ministry and since my former pastor attended BJU, I decided to get my Master's degree there. 

Before I left for BJU in 2003, one of the elders in the church was acting inappropriately towards the women in the congregation. Both single and married. To shed some light on what is regarded as inappropriate in this environment I need to explain the male and female dynamics in an IFB church.

Men and women who are not married are not to touch beyond a hand shake. IF that. Depending on the person a short side hug may be appropriate. But hardly. Especially between an unmarried man and woman. The picture below illustrates my point beautifully. Or you can watch a couple of episodes of 19 Kids and Counting to get an even better idea.  

The elder in the church would continually flirt with women. It got to the point where there was a competition between the single girls in church over who would get his attention each week. At the same time I hung out with him at a mutual friend's home and communicated with him via email regularly. Thinking his flirting, emails of a sexual nature and winking was an indication of interest I began to follow his "lead". After 6-8 months of this cat and mouse chase, I learned I was just another conquest. And it was pretty devastating. I guess I was expecting the men in church to treat women with more respect and care than when I interacted with men outside of the church. 

After I got over the situation I realized what he was doing was not only harmful to individuals but to the church as a whole. The pastor constantly preached on the purity of the church so I thought that this situation was detrimental to the health of the church. I knew it was really bad when a fellow church member called me crying about how she was sure he was coming on to her but then he later said he didn't mean it. 

So I went through the steps in Matthew 18:15 

1- If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private - I went to him in private to discuss the situation. He said he had issues with sexual thoughts. OK.

2- If he listens to you, you have won your brother. - The behavior continued. 

3- But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. - I went with a friend, still the behavior continued, we finally went to the pastor.

What was interesting is that when I told the other women I was going to the pastor, none of them would come with me. Only one faithful friend did. But there were at least 3 other women who could have joined me. But didn't.

The final word from the pastor in this entire ordeal? "Well, he is an attractive man." my reply..."What is THAT supposed to mean"

You have to understand this was only 2 years after the ordeal surrounding the director exposing himself to me at Second City. So as a result, this blow to my trust reopened the wound. I was admittedly suicidal and I lost a lot of weight, nearly 15 pounds. By the grace of GOD I did not throw myself in front of a subway train. 

After graduation I returned to New York City and told the pastor I would not be returning to the church because he tolerated sinful behavior from one of the elders. His response... "He is a good friend of mine and he seeks to glorify God"

This elder did not act out on any of these sexual conversations, at least with me. But who knows if a woman is hiding a sexual assault incident because she knows the pastor and congregation would blame her for it. Or do nothing about it. 

It happened to Tina Anderson

The folks affiliated with the IFB want to distance and distinguish themselves from the Orthodox Catholic Church and Fundamental Islam. But they are really the same. They cover up sexual abuses in the church and stone victims of abuse, perhaps not physically but emotionally and spiritually. 

May God have mercy.

It's Not Rape

Cee Lo Green's twitter rant, It's not Rape if the woman is passed out and the recent Bill Cosby assault allegations re-opened an old wound of mine.

I was an eager 24 year old performer hitting the pavement in my hometown outside Detroit, Michigan. Following graduation I was determined to make it in the business so I auditioned like crazy anywhere and everywhere I could.

Following a contract at a summer stock theatre in Augusta, Michigan I got a call from Second City - Detroit to join their touring company and understudy the main stage show. I was SO excited. I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live and I was certain this opportunity could open the door.

Our director was an unstable individual, at his own admission he was mentally ill. He regularly drank liquor at rehearsals and had awful mood swings. At the same time, a fellow cast member and I struck up a somewhat flirty friendship. The two situations came to a boil on a night in October. October 30th, Devil's Night.

During rehearsal a few castmates and our director went to the bar for a bottle of vodka. Towards the end of rehearsal our director became increasingly angered by our lack of imagination during the improv games. He started to focus his anger towards me and proceeded to unzipped his pants and show me his penis saying "is this what girls like?". I screamed, told him to stop and covered my eyes. But he continued. I ran from the room, he followed me, grabbed me and kept me from going to the lobby for help. He started to cry and tell me about how no one loves him and how he wanted to help us become better performers.

After we were 'released' from rehearsal my flirtatious friend who I thought was there to comfort me furthered my terror that night. He took me to his apartment and proceeded to undress and initiate sex with me. At that point I was in no position to fight physically, I was drained and in shock from what happened at rehearsal. All I could say is "I don't want to" over and over. He finally stopped. But from that moment on it has been near impossible to trust situations where I am required to trust others during times of weakness.

I later found out two of my castmates were sober enough to see what was going on but did not do anything to help. I was very young, very impressionable and eager. I didn't want to make a scene, I was intimidated and afraid that my career would not be furthered if I disclosed what happened to me (even though half the cast witnessed it). I was also shocked and ashamed that a person who was trusted with the safety and creative growth of a group of performers could do something so awful.

A week later we convened for more rehearsals and everyone including myself tried to act like nothing happened until months later when word got out. It's interesting how people are into gossiping about stuff but don't bother to reach out and help. Our producer gathered the cast together and confronted us about the situation. Still, nothing was done to the director. No charges brought against him or any punishment rendered. I didn't say a word throughout the entire ordeal. I was numb, hurt and ashamed. He was transferred. And we were all let go from our contract.

I understand why these women are coming forward. I feel foolish for not saying anything back then. The now me without a doubt would say something. But I was not the woman that I am today. If telling my story can make a change or help another victim then at least something "good" can come from it.

It's really a shame that victims are blamed and questioned. Time and time again a woman is put on the spot about her role in rape. What she wears, how she acted, what she said, what she did or didn't say. The man? He's supported and defended.

Can we please agree that the only time it is ok to initiate sexual behavior of any kind is if the person says yes. Only YES! That a person will not drug or coerce or use power and position to force anyone into sex. I pray those pointing their fingers will never have to be in the position these individuals (including myself) found themselves in.

Am I Funny?

I grew up watching a lot of comedy, I touched on this in a previous post.  Outside of music, watching comedy or funny stuff in general was a saving grace in my life. 

News of the unexpected death of Robin Williams really got me thinking. Especially this article about why funny people kill themselves. It's sad that many of our most beloved entertainers are in so much emotional pain. It doesn't seem fair really, we enjoy their talents yet THEY are in pain.

I recently started performing stand up comedy. I honestly do not think I am funny but people seem to laugh at me (or with me?). I was never a class clown, instead a really quiet and sullen child. 

Here I am at like 3 being silly in front of the camera...

But then life happened and I started to become a serious girl. This was me at age 8 or so. Sad :-(

I tried stand up out of curiosity and now I am actively dating Stand-Up comedy. But along the way I have been discovering for myself...

1- Comedy is therapy - I have been able to tell stories about some pretty painful experiences in my act, people laugh and I get to laugh too. And start to confront those demons that haunt me. But in a funny way.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive.

--Bill Cosby

2 - Comedy is ownership - I write my own material and present it in the way I want. No director telling me it's wrong, or no auditions (other than open mics that are really less like auditions to me)

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. 

--Robin Williams

3 - Comedy is fun - Who doesn't love to laugh or get laughed at. 

I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.

--Maya Angelou

4 - Comedy is truth - There is a book called Truth in Comedy that talks about the obvious. Truth in Comedy. I tell folks that all my jokes are based on true stories. And that's the truth. Sometimes truth is funnier than fiction. At least mine is. 

"The truth is funny. Honest discovery, observation, and reaction is better than contrived invention." 

- Del Close & Charna Halper

5 - Comedy is male dominated - Men comics outnumber the women comics and that should change. Or maybe they don't outnumber us, they just get more recognition. 

If someone is willing to make a blanket statement like “women aren’t funny,” they probably have some issue relating to or stemming from a woman in their past, probably mom 

-- Jessica Delfino

6 - Comedy is subjective - Not everyone finds the same things funny and that is ok. I have personally laughed at some stuff that no one else in the room is laughing at. But I laugh LOUD so hopefully that encourages the performer on stage.

In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.

--Will Smith

7 - Comedy is change - As I learn and grow, I realize I can address issues through laughter. Several comics have made light of societal ills in their acts. And they do this extremely well, making people laugh AND think.

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

--Mark Twain

FOOL

I was a fool to think I could prove to you how smart and intelligent I am

I was a fool to think you could want more than my body

I was a fool to think you would stop when I said no

I was a fool to allow you to become my friend with emotional benefits

I was a fool to think a man of God would be different than the others

I was a fool to think you would marry me, instead of her

I was a fool to believe my kindness would make you stay

I was a fool to think being good, sweet and kind would draw you closer

I was a fool to think you would stay after I gave you what you wanted

I was a fool to think I was good enough when one woman could never be

I was a fool to wait for your texts, your calls, emails 

I was a fool to think you would wait for me

I was a fool to think you were different than the others

I was a fool to think you wouldn't disappear 

I was a fool to think that passionate kiss meant something to you

I was a fool to trust you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you

I am a fool to hide my own heart unwilling to trust again...

....so I won't be a fool.

 again.