Not Left or Right

I was a Republican. For about 6 years. After being a Democrat for many years before. I am more of an independent now but the real point of this statement is how I became a Republican.

I have mentioned in passing to some about my time spent in a strict legalistic Christian movement. Sometimes I refer to it as a cult. But that isn't exactly fair to those in the movement I removed myself from. Fact is, I know wonderful and kind Christians who live their lives in the way that Christ intended (or at least try to by the grace of God).

But there was a time when I wasn't a kind and loving Christian. Somehow I equated my new life in Christ as a complete denial of who I am and how God made me. I threw away all music that was secular, changed my wardrobe, stopped dancing, gave up my acting pursuits, decided to badger unbelieving friends and family with scripture. At a point I had no reference to anything in the world outside of church. So I had not way to relate to anyone outside of the church.

Something happened in that particular church. Something very hurtfut. It was a huge 'wake up call'. Although not enough to turn me away from the extreme changes to my life. Somehow the pain pushed me further into the extreme changes. The changes not imposed by God but by man. By religion.

When I decided to go to the college affiliated with the church I was a member of, that was the breaking point. I sincerely believe God sent me there. Just like He allowed me to be apart of the church movement I joined. But at this point I realized that the extreme legalistic living was not allowing me to truly experience God's love and healing. Instead I was in a constant state of a critical spirit. I sought man made perfection and approval instead of God.

So when I finally graduated I was convinced that I could not return to the church from which I came. I was really confused about who I was. At this point I morphed into someone I did not even know. Who was I? I still ask this question as I look back on pictures of the time I spent in the 'movement'.

Now I find myself on the opposite side of the spectrum. Or not exactly. Perhaps in the middle.

To conservative Christians, my choices and way of life would not be appreciated. I would be called a 'backslider' or maybe even a heathen. To the very liberal or nonbeliever I would be called closed minded or perhaps religious. Neither is correct at this point. So I find myself stuck inbetween two worlds...

Christ was too. He was critized for hanging out with tax collectors and other 'unsavory' types. Even His own denied Him. So in a way I understand that this is the way it will be. But it doesn't make it easy to connect and find likeminded people.

Which is why I have not been to church as regularly as I would like. I almost feel like I did when I first became a Christian. Unsure, hoping that they will accept who I am. For who God made me. I finally feel like I made others feel. This is humbling. But it is so difficult. To not find fellowship with anyone in particular.

So back to my political affiliation. As I watch the upcoming election coverage I find it hard to believe that I actually agreed with what those in my former party affiliation. And it is difficult to admit that I aligned myself with such conservative ideology. And yet I don't fully agree with the other side either. I am neither Left or Right. But dead Center.

And belonging nowhere in particular.

But at least I know who I am and trust that God will have His say in how I need to live, love, learn. Pray. I still believe in Him and do not apologize for that but I do apologize for falsely representing Him. May God have mercy.

In Love, In Christ...

Romans 8:28

Crazy Stupid Dating

9/11/11

My last flight as a UAL Flight Attendant was August 26, 2001. I was finally at peace with being on the job. I had been wrestling with leaving, as the job was emotionally and physically tiring. But for the last two years of my career, I had the opportunity to fly from NYC to San Francisco/ Los Angeles twice a week. That was a treat! 5 hours there and 4 hours back. 24 hour layovers on the west coast. Working 767 aircraft in the First Class Cabin. I had the chance to serve celebrities and high level executives. The most harrowing experience I had was an emergency landing in Denver that I helped execute as the first flight attendant. 


I had a two week vacation after that date. The original plan was to go to Italy with a Flight Attendant friend. But our plans changed and I ended up in my hometown of Southfield, Michigan. Actually, by this time I considered NYC my hometown. I still do. NYC, a city that I swore I never would consider moving to. A place that I have grown to love like no other. As much as I have fallen in love with places abroad, NYC still has a huge pull on my heart.


I remember my father waking me up on Tuesday, September 11 at around 9am or so. He says a plane crashed into one of the skyscrapers. I figured it was a small commuter plane or helicopter. But when I turned on the television my heart sank at the sight! I saw a plane that was clearly a UAL aircraft crash into the WTC. This was no mistake. 


For the next few days I didn't go anywhere, just sat and watched the news. I emailed my close friends and church family checking to see how they were doing. Most of them were worried that I was on one of the planes. Trying to wrap my mind around this awfulness proved futile. The sickness of the way these people were killed hurt deeply. 


Where was God?


In the days and months that followed, stories of survival and resilience encouraged my heart. Then I realized what man means for evil...


As many people who did perish that day there were many who survived despite the odds. As I started reading the recent 9/11 10 year anniversary issue of New York Magazine the stories are so heart wrenching and I feel silly even trying to articulate my personal pain and grief. 


What I do know is that I was spared. I flew those planes, those routes, first class cabin near the cockpit. I shutter at the thought of what happened on those planes to the crew and the helpless passengers. The people working in the buildings that day who had no idea. How all of our lives have changed since then. 


I lost my job after that, started to rebuild and ask God what He wanted me to do with my life. Of course this was nothing compared to the rebuilding our nation and the victims had to endure. Again, my struggles with 9/11 are pretty futile compared to the thousands of children who lost their parents, spouses who lost their mates, mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Friends. But somehow I feel their pain each time I look to where the towers were. Each time the clear blue skies of Fall appear. Each time I hear a plane fly overhead. I know I will never forget.

Romans 8:28 

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Musing...

A field of flowers lies along a path of peaceful green grass.

 Flowers grow to be beautiful there.

A special daisy more beautiful than the others.

Loved to lie tranquilly with the other daisies.

Several pass to observe the flowers as they blow in the wind.

Some admire, others stop to stare, a few stop to pick a daisy

The special daisy was picked from the ground without warning.

At first she was afraid but he seemed kind so she didn't worry.

But he did not take care for her.

He didn't water her or protect her.

He didn't love her.

He trampled her beautiful petals.

He left her along the path far from the other daisies.

He left her in a field of roses

They were not peaceful as the daisies.

They were prickly and arrogant.

Distant and cold.

The daisy did not fit in.

She was not as beautiful as she once was.

Her petals were withered her face sad.

Several pass to observe the flowers as they blow in the wind.

Some admire, others stop to stare, a few stop to pick a daisy

The daisy dreamed she could return to the peaceful green grass.

One stopped and stared then knelt down and gently picked her.

She was afraid.

Would he trample her like the other?

This time the one who stopped and picked her...

Loved her, protected her, and returned her to the peaceful green grass

The End

Who am I?

As I study more of the craft of acting I am confronted with so much truth about myself.

All humans have different 'faces' in life. Whether we believe it or not. We have our family faces, work faces, friend faces, etc...

I wonder when these 'faces' materialize?

When I was a girl I was extremely shy. But as I grew, I realized being shy had it's disadvantages so I forced myself to put on my 'outgoing face'.

Over the years the faces have changed and morphed to the point where I have no idea what face is truly mine!

Don't get me wrong, what you see is what you get. At least I think so! But I do need to wear my outgoing face if I am in unfamiliar environments or meeting new people. Unfortunately, I am still that shy little girl underneath.

So who am I again?

I Eat, I Sing, I Pray!!

I have such a busy schedule that I am rather enjoying this longer weekend. However, as life gets crazier it takes that much more time to get organized at home. So I am accomplishing Spring cleaning this weekend. In stages. Hopefully all three stages will be complete by Sunday...in a perfect world : )


This Easter weekend I get to do all the things I love! Including...


I SING! I am working on a song just in time for Easter! I will record and post it on my YouTube channel this weekend. I got this idea after I conducted a contest on my Facebook Fanpage. When the 200th fan joined my page, the fans got to choose a song for me to sing on my channel. One of my fans chose a song perfect for the Easter holiday! 


I EAT! Because of my joy for cooking (especially for others) and my interest in helping the poor/homeless. I will cook an Easter Feast (along with some other lovely ladies) at the Bowery Women's Center. I hope they enjoy the food! The planned menu includes...

• Pineapple and Brown Sugar glazed Ham 
• Spinach and Artichoke Heart au gratin Potatoes
• Mixed Greens (Collards, Mustard, Kale)
• Mexican Style Cornbread
• Israeli Salad
• Flan

I PRAY! I have alot to pray about. I have been through many changes in the last six months. This holiday season has me reflecting on my life and career. So the conversations with my God are bound to increase! 

Bring it on!!!!

Believe In Yourself

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if you believe, within your heart you'll know

that no one can change, the path that you must go

believe what you feel, and know you're right because

the time will come around, when you'll say it's yours

believe there's a reason to be, believe you can make time stand still

and know from the moment you try, if you believe, then you'll be there.

~lyrics from the musical The Wiz

I started to learn this song for an audition a few weeks ago. I always loved The Wiz and remember the end of the musical when Glinda, the good witch 

sings this song to Dorothy. 

I feel like Dorothy right now. I don't mean like being swept away by a storm necessarily. Although I do feel as if a storm has swept me away sometimes.

Rather, this whole believing in myself and that no one can change my path. Sometimes in life it can appear that those who hold 'the power' in this world can alter the path. 

My path...

But, I struggle to believe sometimes....

Believe that my day job circumstances will change

Believe that I will be able make it in this seemingly impossible entertainment business

Believe that I can make a perfect curry dish (really!)

Just believe! That's easier said than done. It would be nice to have my own personal Glinda to sing that song when I feel like all hope is gone!

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Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1