BuMpY iMpRoV rOaD

One of my fondest memories as a child was watching SNL with my Mom. Staying up late and snuggling in bed to watch was so special. I suppose some of the characters were etched in my mind because as I grew, reenacting scenes with my sister proved to be very entertaining and interesting. I watched folks like Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Martin Short, Gilda Radner, Jon Belushi, Mary Gross. I could go on and on. They entertained and inspired. But even though I loved performing, I never thought that I could do what the folks on SNL did.

Until I was chosen to join a prominent improv sketch group...

During the audition I had no idea what I was doing. Heck, I was an actor/singer/dancer. But improv?
What? My favorite part of the audition was the singing improv, I made up a song that actually made partial sense. I got the call to join the touring company in my hometown and freaked out! I guess I did something right?

What started as an exciting journey ended up being horribly difficult.

Our director wasn't well. Not exaggerating, he had a self professed mental issue. There would be times when he was kind and patient. But other times he would treat the cast in cruel ways. There was often liquor involved. Of course it didn't help that our theatre doubled as a bar. Sometimes we would drink to perform better or to get out of our heads for scenes. The final blow was when he did something that I should have rightfully pressed charges for.

After word about his behavior got back to our producer, the cast was chastised. A huge part of improv is supporting your fellow improvisers. When my cast mates did not support and protect me, they broke a rule of improv. And a basic rule of life. Don't stand by and allow abuse to happen without doing something about it.

Eventually I moved on and continued to perform. But not improv. In fact, I felt that I wasn't any good. I think it was a way of avoiding the pain. Somehow I equated improv with failure, abuse, and disappointment. I ended up avoiding the art form all together.

Until recently...

I've always been a pretty heady person. Over thinker, analytical, weigh all the options before proceeding. I bring this to all my work. But this is an awful combination when the creative side tries to enter the frame. I tried a method acting technique, which helped to access my emotional freedom but still something was off.

My first dip back into improv came while I was singing opera oddly enough. Again, since I was in my head all the time I tried an opera improvisation class. Still I had a block. Once more I tried another class, while I was in New York City. A short three week course with a show at the end. Little by little my confidence was restored and I began to see I could learn to like this again.

As I made the transition to LA I was looking to connect to the acting community. But I took advice from several actor friends about how important improv is out here. I noticed plenty of the auditions were improv based. So I took the plunge to find a place where I could regroup and relearn improv. After visiting some of the larger schools I settled on a very small and supportive studio. I felt I could not only learn and grow, but feel safe.

However, I didn't realize improv would also provide spiritual restoration. A local improv group provides free improv classes every week to the masses. This group happens to be affiliated with a church. For those of you who follow this blog know my struggle with church. When I found out this group was affiliated with a church I was sceptical. I imagined alter calls and mandatory chapel service. Not so. In fact, they have a prayer portion but it's very chill. No pressure and no judgement. It's interesting because these improv classes are more like church to me than when I went to church. I even started praying with the group afterwards. And unlike my former church experience, I don't feel judged but loved, supported and safe.

So there you have it, my bumpy improv road. I'm enjoying being silly and crazy! I'm also enjoying laughing at me again. But most of all I am glad to feel safe and supported. Who knows maybe something like SNL is possible after all.

The "Joys" of Unemployment

It's been almost a month since I lost my long term temporary assignment. I have held jobs continuously since the age of 13. Being out of work for any length of time is strange and scary, but I'm trying to make the best of it. Here are a few 'good' things about being unemployed...

1. I met my neighbor! My schedule was so ironclad (6:30am - 7pm M-F) that I wasn't around at the same time as my next door neighbor. I met her the other day, I have been living here for 6 months already! About time!
2. Went to odd places. Not really odd odd, but different. I found the LaBrea Tar Pits by accident for instance. I believe mixing it up makes for a change in energy which in turn allows my imagination and creativity to expand. Yay!
3. Traffic be gone! Because I am traveling at off peak times my experience with traffic has been cut by 75%! My sanity is restored and I am actually enjoying driving here for a change!
4. Crowd Free! No lines at the stores, the gym is a ghost town, all because I go at off peak times. Bonus!
5. Auditions Galore! I am not juggling a day job schedule so my audition choices have expanded. I even booked a small project already. That's a good thing!
6. Recharge Time! I pretty much started working my second week upon arrival to Los Angeles so I probably needed the rest. Although it's not been too restful since the need for money is at the back and front of my mind.
7. Thinking outside the box. I attended a few workshops at The Actor's Fund which really made me think about my true strengths, passions and interests. Teaching and Performing are both on the top of the list. Then there's supporting philanthropic organizations. If I could mix that all together, it would make for a yummy soup!
8. Lost a few inches. I have been trying to figure out why I was stuck at a certain level for awhile. I wanted to drop 10 more pounds after bulking up slightly with muscle. I knew it had to do with my food. So these past few weeks I have been cutting my grocery budget which in turn regulated my calorie intake in the right increment to battle those last inches. I can see my abs poking out a little now. YAY!
9. Reading. Finally got a library card! They let me choose the design too, which ended up being the Warner Bros logo (fitting for the neighborhood). I have been doing a fair amount of book reading lately (as opposed to magazines). 
10. Writing. I have a running list of writing projects that I have been slow to get to. Needless to say, I am getting caught up on a few first and second drafts.
11. I can do with alot less. I am usually a frugal person but living on close to zero has given me the opportunity to learn that I can live with even less. Being creative with resources has been interesting. 

Here's hoping to finding a new job before the unemployment runs out...

The Butler, The Help, oh MY!

There are a fair amount of people who feel African Americans do not need to portray maids, butlers and other servitude roles on screen.

I can understand to a certain extent, even in my own life I felt taking subservient roles to be beneath me. Yet ironically, I ended up working in service jobs for much of my working life.

I will never forget a short conversation I had as a child with my aunt from Alabama. She saw me writing and said I would make an excellent secretary. Thinking that was beneath me, I said "No I will be a doctor!!"

What am I doing now to make ends meet?

Joke is on me.

To my aunt, a secretary was highly regarded. Imagine living in a time when higher education was out of reach and the only jobs available were cleaning, taking care of children or working the land. Working in a fancy office was a major step up.

Domestic work was and is honest. The work allowed future generations to obtain a higher education. And even now, many people rely on labor like this to provide for their families.Good and honest work. Which should pay more, but that's a subject for another blog post...

So who am I to put anyone down because of their trade or occupation?

I saw The Butler and thought it was an excellent depiction of a family living during one of the most challenging times in history. More important, it portrayed a man of dignity, integrity, and pride. A man who was able to interface with countless Presidents during his work at The White House. His story is important, incredibly important. As an actor I would consider it an honor to be apart of a film like The Help or The Butler.

As a woman of faith, I find it interesting how the people in these roles had the responsibility and the privilege to make history, change perceptions about race, and pave the way for our future as a people. Sometimes God uses the least regarded to accomplish great things. Rosa Parks just popped into my head, she worked in a t-shirt factory until she became a secretary at the NAACP offices. From t-shirt factory worker to world changer. There is no shame in that.

Here is a description of a very interesting scene in The Butler. Explains my thoughts better than anything I can write.

Black domestic workers, King tells Louis, have played an important role in the struggle for civil rights. At first Louis assumes this is meant as mockery, but King presses on. Maids, butlers, nannies and other domestics have defied racist stereotypes by being trustworthy, hardworking and loyal, King says; in maintaining other people’s households and raising other people’s children, they have gradually broken down hardened and hateful attitudes. Their apparent subservience is also quietly subversive. This poignant and humbling recognition of the sacrifices made by millions of African-Americans who appeared to have no voice is an important turning point for Louis...retrieved from the following article

After years of serving others in the White House, we have an African American serving as President. I have no doubt those who served in overlooked roles paved the way.

Why Try?

I have tried to prove myself to others for years.

I remember being told that because of the color of my skin, I would be judged differently. As a result, I had
to work 200% harder just to be 'accepted' at the same level as my white counterparts.

It didn't help that I was immersed in a sea of white faces throughout my entire life. From my time as a tot in Montessori School all the way to graduate studies, I was one of a handful of brown faces. Then extend that to the workforce, which isn't much more diverse from my experience.

I also participated in activities that were not perceived to be suited for a person of my hue. I remember as a young piano student, a teacher asked me how I knew how to play classical music. As if to indicate that a person like me would not have any connection to such music.

On the other side of the fence, those who looked like me thought me to be strange because of my connection to classical music, ballet, and other so called 'white' activities.

Choosing the type of activities like classical piano, ballet and voice put an incredible amount of pressure on me. My Alpha personality would constantly apply pressure to an already meticulous and harrowing practice.

Any defeat or failing would plummet me into the depths of despair. I could not accept a compliment or a criticism. I took the criticism way too seriously and did not believe the compliments.

This followed me into all aspects of life...

My time in pageants increased my obsession with being skinny and flawless. Auditions and casting calls for theater pushed me even further into doing everything 'just right'.

It didn't help that I was teased and ostracized by some of my peers in school.

I tried harder and harder to fit in, to be the best, to exceed expectations of myself and others.

I even worked hard to please God. This was the beginning of my fall from the high tower of expectations, to say the least. How can anyone in their own flawed human existence please God?

On the other side of this tunnel of proving myself constantly, I discovered that trying harder and harder made me tired and sad. And turned me into someone other than who I truly am.

Although I still struggle with proving myself I believe I am less concerned with how others see me and more concerned with being truthful with myself.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect, the best, superior. I'm tired. Right now I stop trying knowing that not trying in my alpha way allows me to breath, enjoy and discover life as it should be.

Repressed and Delayed

A strange thing happened in the car this morning. I was listening to a classical music station on the radio for a change of pace. Well to be honest, my AUX cord broke off inside my iPhone so I'm unable to listen to Internet radio or my own play list. 

Chopin Ballad No. 3 started to play, what a treat! During my days as a pianist I loved playing Chopin more than any other composer. 

This is when the strange happened.

Either repressed or delayed feelings made my eyes drown with tears as I listened to that Ballad again. I mean the huge alligator tears one gets after heartbreak.

I closed the lid on my Young Chang baby grand piano close to 20 years ago. I closed the lid many times before, but this time it was closing the lid or chapter on my hopes and dreams to play the piano professionally.

I didn't cry at the time or feel overwhelming sadness from what I can remember. But I believe I underestimated how painful that was. Piano meant the world to me. I lived and breathed nothing but the piano. I can't compare anything else I have done since with that obsessive dream. Not even my current dream is that powerful.

I think of closing the lid again on this 'career'. It's hard. But with this delayed feeling coming to the surface after all these years, I have second thoughts. Living with a dream unrealized is hard and painful. But the pain I felt today after realizing I let that dream die was overwhelming.

My Country, 'Tis of Thee

I love America, the good ole USA, my home. I really do. But I have issues with where our country has been and the direction our great land is heading.

There are alot of Americans who love to talk about returning to an America that closely mirrors the intentions of the founding fathers. These same founding fathers who owned slaves, saw nothing wrong with it, yet proclaimed that all men are free.

I believe this is where the dichotomy began and continues. Some may call it hypocritical, but for the sake of keeping my emotions in check to communicate clearly I will use the word dichotomy. I remember after 9/11 many politicians said we must fight for our freedom to walk about and live our lives freely. That we should not let others terrorize and change our way of living.

We live in a land of the free, but at the same time there are alot of us who are not free. The pursuit of happiness as the constitution states seems to be a fantasy for many. Yet those same people who want to return to the founding father's ideas, want to spread this "freedom" worldwide. Yes, we have free speech. For the most part. We have the ability to pursue happiness up to a point. But I'm not sure we are that different from the countries we are trying to democratize.

The world was watching...

When our bank system toppled the entire world economy without accountability or punishment
When we imprisoned (or interned as it was put) the Japanese citizens of this country
When Africans were brought to the Americas on ships and enslaved
When American Indians were cheated/bullied out of land they rightfully owned
When the Africans who were enslaved later were denied equal access to bathrooms, education, employment
When children are abused and molested with no report at the hands of a unified church system
When certain political groups feel the basic needs for food and shelter be denied to others

When....this list can get very very very long

Our troops are deployed to fight for the above atrocities in other parts of the world. How about we address our own?

There are two Americas. Those who have the freedom to walk about freely without fear of a police officer (or a want to be officer) questioning their motives, and those who do not enjoy that freedom. There are those who wonder if a store clerk is watching them because their hue is more likely to steal. There are parents who dread the day their son or daughter brings home a person of a darker hue.

I have spent most of my life living, working, going to school as a minority. One thing I learned quickly is some in the majority don't consider us human. This may seem harsh at first, but to me it's the only way I can figure out how one can justify killing another person because of what they look like. Some think African Americans have tails, Oprah had a guest who told her so. If one does not regard a person as human with a soul then killing that person becomes an afterthought. Much like this dog shooting earlier this month. Animal shelter workers can attest, many innocent creatures are treated horribly (I do not condone animal cruelty at all). Burned, hung, kicked, used for fighting, sold. Sound familiar?

I AM HUMAN!

These same founding father supporters will uphold the right to life, but show no mercy to the loss of life at the hands of a another. Dichotomy. Maybe they want more little brown and black lives to oppress. Makes them feel more important?

When a young unarmed man is shot in cold blood and the justice system essentially turns a blind eye to this atrocity, we have a big problem. But to me it seems like the same America we started with. If this is what the founding fathers intended then God will NOT bless America.

My country, 'tis of thee,

Stronghold of slavery, of thee I sing;

Land where my fathers died,

Where men man’s rights deride,

From every mountainside thy deeds shall ring!

Abolitionist verses, 1843, A. G. Duncan 

Ms. Frugality

Frugal: entailing little expense; requiring few resources; meager

I am frugal, both by nature and necessity.

In my youth, our family did well enough that we lived a bit outside the frugal definition. Or at least I wasn't aware of penny pinching. But my Mother was especially gifted at finding bargains and stretching a buck, which I believe was acquired from her mother who lived on a very modest income.

This rubbed off on me and has especially become more of a focus in recent years. After racking up over $11,000 in credit card debt in my 20's (thanks to AMEX giving me a credit card my freshman year of 
college ), paying that off and then getting back into debt $5,000 because of medical bills my insurance did not cover enough was enough. 

Currently, I adhere to a zero credit card debt tolerance, which means if I do use a credit card I have to have the cash coming in to pay it off in full. The only debt I still maintain is my car and student loans. I adopted this zero credit card debt tolerance after my medical bill debt was paid in full. Which culminated in a court visit because of an evil credit consolidation company (long-long story). As a result, there are alot of things I have to simply do without.

After my layoff in 2011 my salary plummeted drastically. I was unable to afford the rent I was paying in NYC and it wasn't even high by NYC standards. I wasn't living in luxury either, my apartment was a middle income government subsidized unit. Staying in NYC wasn't too much of an option with rents increasing and the job market decreasing. So with my move I was at least afforded an opportunity to secure a job and pay a little less rent. But then there's that car payment...

Nevertheless, I try to work it out.  I hold three jobs and I have a fourth in the works. Even though to most on the outside looking in it appears I am "rolling in the dough". This is really a matter of choices I make in regards to my purchases.

Home

When I moved from NYC I sold pretty much everything except my kitchen items and clothing. Since moving I didn't replace too much of anything. I don't have a TV or a bed, I sleep on a futon mattress (much more comfy and firmer than a saggy mattress). I just bought an "AS IS" chair from IKEA (YAY!). Everything else was either donated or found in the trash (no shame since alot of people throw out perfectly nice stuff).

Wardrobe

Yes I have a Michael Kors bag. Did I pay full price? Hell no. I learned a long time ago from my Mother that quality is worth more in the long run. I carried a Kenneth Cole bag I bought for $100 at TJ Maxx for close to 10 years until it literally fell apart. I think I got my money's worth. I bought my Michael Kors bag on Ebay for $115 and I plan on carrying it for a very long time. As far as the rest of my wardrobe, I use coupons from DSW when I need new shoes, shopping exclusively in the clearance section. There's nothing in my closet that I have paid full price for UNLESS it was from Forever 21 or H&M. The remaining items I find at thrift or clearance. My most accomplished item is a Barney's New York jacket that was 6.99 from the Salvation Army (it was 50% off too). That sucker retailed $600. Woo Hoo!

Food

I do buy organic but only because this keeps my medical bills down to zero since I'm currently under-insured. When I do buy organic I buy moderate portions and stretch every bit of food. For example, this past week I bought a pre-cooked organic chicken and vegetables along with other items for the week. I don't buy juices or soda or other junk foods since they tend to cost more. I drink Water, Tea, Almond milk. Special treats are Kind bars which I buy at Trader Joe's because they are $1.49 instead of close to $2 elsewhere. Total grocery bills average just under $65. After the chicken was eaten I boiled the remains and made soup with the leftovers including the veggies. I had enough food to make it from Sunday to Saturday. I carry a lunch bag to work everyday. I carry snacks and small meals in the car so I don't eat out. But if I do eat out it is at affordable organic based places (unless I get a Groupon for something). I had to put it this way in my mind; if I am spending roughly $10 a day for a lunch at work then that adds up to about $200 per month. I simply cannot afford an extra $200 a month food expense. Case closed.

Entertainment

My only "cable" is Netflix and the Internet. I pay $40 total for them since I get the Netflix streaming option for $7.99/month. I wouldn't bother with Internet except my part time job is online teaching so I am required to have access to the Internet from home. In addition, if I go to the movies I choose wisely. I average 3 movies a year unless I can go to the budget theater ($3 here in LA). I do partake in an occasional stage play but get the seats really far away unless they are rush tickets (I miss NYC rush tickets). Everything else I do is free or very very cheap.

Beauty

I cut my own hair, polish my own nails, do my facials and everything else. The make up I buy is over the counter. I had to give up the MAC and Sephora obsession with my pay cut. I try to stay away from the chemical based make up brands if my budget allows. 

Health care

Since I am under-insured I make sure I keep exercise apart of my schedule as well as natural supplements. I eat well too so I can keep my immunity up to par. Gym membership was on sale for $50 a month which is worth every penny for the results I get. I also found an affordable acupuncturist and massage therapist. Knock on wood, I haven't been deathly ill since losing my really good insurance in 2011. I plan to try my best to keep it this way. 

Working the system

For the few things I am not able to pay off quickly I take advantage of no interest options. For instance, I bought my iPad (refurbished 2nd generation which is my TV set essentially) on a card offering zero interest. As long as I paid it off in 6 months, interest would not incur. I also take advantage of the rewards programs which offer gift cards for a certain number of points. My next purchase will be a new laptop, since my current one is dying. I hope to get a no interest deal from one of my cards soon.

Stewardship of Property

The one thing that helps keep costs down is to take very good care of my stuff. For instance, I took my 5 year old MacBook to the Apple store and the technicians all raved about how well he (I do assign gender to my beloved items) looked. I figure if I take care of what I have then the likelihood I will need to replace it is decreased. Wish I could say the same about my iPhone, knock on wood the poor thing is going strong after it fell down a flight of subway stairs and into a toilet (on separate occasions). Same with clothing, I hang dry most of my clothing so they last longer. The dryer ruins alot of clothing. And of course my wonderful used car, I make sure she is well taken care of.

So there it is, my frugal system. I really wrote this to help me be accountable to myself and see how much I am stretching my dollars these days. But I hope that maybe this will help YOU stretch your dollars too!