It's Not Rape

Cee Lo Green's twitter rant, It's not Rape if the woman is passed out and the recent Bill Cosby assault allegations re-opened an old wound of mine.

I was an eager 24 year old performer hitting the pavement in my hometown outside Detroit, Michigan. Following graduation I was determined to make it in the business so I auditioned like crazy anywhere and everywhere I could.

Following a contract at a summer stock theatre in Augusta, Michigan I got a call from Second City - Detroit to join their touring company and understudy the main stage show. I was SO excited. I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live and I was certain this opportunity could open the door.

Our director was an unstable individual, at his own admission he was mentally ill. He regularly drank liquor at rehearsals and had awful mood swings. At the same time, a fellow cast member and I struck up a somewhat flirty friendship. The two situations came to a boil on a night in October. October 30th, Devil's Night.

During rehearsal a few castmates and our director went to the bar for a bottle of vodka. Towards the end of rehearsal our director became increasingly angered by our lack of imagination during the improv games. He started to focus his anger towards me and proceeded to unzipped his pants and show me his penis saying "is this what girls like?". I screamed, told him to stop and covered my eyes. But he continued. I ran from the room, he followed me, grabbed me and kept me from going to the lobby for help. He started to cry and tell me about how no one loves him and how he wanted to help us become better performers.

After we were 'released' from rehearsal my flirtatious friend who I thought was there to comfort me furthered my terror that night. He took me to his apartment and proceeded to undress and initiate sex with me. At that point I was in no position to fight physically, I was drained and in shock from what happened at rehearsal. All I could say is "I don't want to" over and over. He finally stopped. But from that moment on it has been near impossible to trust situations where I am required to trust others during times of weakness.

I later found out two of my castmates were sober enough to see what was going on but did not do anything to help. I was very young, very impressionable and eager. I didn't want to make a scene, I was intimidated and afraid that my career would not be furthered if I disclosed what happened to me (even though half the cast witnessed it). I was also shocked and ashamed that a person who was trusted with the safety and creative growth of a group of performers could do something so awful.

A week later we convened for more rehearsals and everyone including myself tried to act like nothing happened until months later when word got out. It's interesting how people are into gossiping about stuff but don't bother to reach out and help. Our producer gathered the cast together and confronted us about the situation. Still, nothing was done to the director. No charges brought against him or any punishment rendered. I didn't say a word throughout the entire ordeal. I was numb, hurt and ashamed. He was transferred. And we were all let go from our contract.

I understand why these women are coming forward. I feel foolish for not saying anything back then. The now me without a doubt would say something. But I was not the woman that I am today. If telling my story can make a change or help another victim then at least something "good" can come from it.

It's really a shame that victims are blamed and questioned. Time and time again a woman is put on the spot about her role in rape. What she wears, how she acted, what she said, what she did or didn't say. The man? He's supported and defended.

Can we please agree that the only time it is ok to initiate sexual behavior of any kind is if the person says yes. Only YES! That a person will not drug or coerce or use power and position to force anyone into sex. I pray those pointing their fingers will never have to be in the position these individuals (including myself) found themselves in.

Am I Funny?

I grew up watching a lot of comedy, I touched on this in a previous post.  Outside of music, watching comedy or funny stuff in general was a saving grace in my life. 

News of the unexpected death of Robin Williams really got me thinking. Especially this article about why funny people kill themselves. It's sad that many of our most beloved entertainers are in so much emotional pain. It doesn't seem fair really, we enjoy their talents yet THEY are in pain.

I recently started performing stand up comedy. I honestly do not think I am funny but people seem to laugh at me (or with me?). I was never a class clown, instead a really quiet and sullen child. 

Here I am at like 3 being silly in front of the camera...

But then life happened and I started to become a serious girl. This was me at age 8 or so. Sad :-(

I tried stand up out of curiosity and now I am actively dating Stand-Up comedy. But along the way I have been discovering for myself...

1- Comedy is therapy - I have been able to tell stories about some pretty painful experiences in my act, people laugh and I get to laugh too. And start to confront those demons that haunt me. But in a funny way.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive.

--Bill Cosby

2 - Comedy is ownership - I write my own material and present it in the way I want. No director telling me it's wrong, or no auditions (other than open mics that are really less like auditions to me)

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. 

--Robin Williams

3 - Comedy is fun - Who doesn't love to laugh or get laughed at. 

I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.

--Maya Angelou

4 - Comedy is truth - There is a book called Truth in Comedy that talks about the obvious. Truth in Comedy. I tell folks that all my jokes are based on true stories. And that's the truth. Sometimes truth is funnier than fiction. At least mine is. 

"The truth is funny. Honest discovery, observation, and reaction is better than contrived invention." 

- Del Close & Charna Halper

5 - Comedy is male dominated - Men comics outnumber the women comics and that should change. Or maybe they don't outnumber us, they just get more recognition. 

If someone is willing to make a blanket statement like “women aren’t funny,” they probably have some issue relating to or stemming from a woman in their past, probably mom 

-- Jessica Delfino

6 - Comedy is subjective - Not everyone finds the same things funny and that is ok. I have personally laughed at some stuff that no one else in the room is laughing at. But I laugh LOUD so hopefully that encourages the performer on stage.

In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.

--Will Smith

7 - Comedy is change - As I learn and grow, I realize I can address issues through laughter. Several comics have made light of societal ills in their acts. And they do this extremely well, making people laugh AND think.

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

--Mark Twain

FOOL

I was a fool to think I could prove to you how smart and intelligent I am

I was a fool to think you could want more than my body

I was a fool to think you would stop when I said no

I was a fool to allow you to become my friend with emotional benefits

I was a fool to think a man of God would be different than the others

I was a fool to think you would marry me, instead of her

I was a fool to believe my kindness would make you stay

I was a fool to think being good, sweet and kind would draw you closer

I was a fool to think you would stay after I gave you what you wanted

I was a fool to think I was good enough when one woman could never be

I was a fool to wait for your texts, your calls, emails 

I was a fool to think you would wait for me

I was a fool to think you were different than the others

I was a fool to think you wouldn't disappear 

I was a fool to think that passionate kiss meant something to you

I was a fool to trust you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you

I am a fool to hide my own heart unwilling to trust again...

....so I won't be a fool.

 again.

Rescue!

I am such a sucker for animal rescue stories. One particular group I follow closely is Hopes For Paws.

Here is a video from one of their rescues...

If you watched the video you noticed that the poor dog was so afraid of another human hurting her that she growled and snapped to protect herself. She thought her rescuer was like all the other humans, mean and abusive. 

Those of us looking at the situation from the outside know this particular human is going to love and care for this dog. But how is the dog to know? Especially when that's all she knew? 

But then at the end of the video you see her running, playing and socializing like she had never been hurt before. The happy ending is my favorite part.

I feel like that scared dog. I have been hurt over and over, I distrust other humans. Specifically, male humans. But female humans are pretty mean too. I growl and bite on the inside. I have a nice shiny steel plate over my heart. To protect me from the bad ones, and the good ones too.

It's sad because I really would like a happy ending like this dog but I have no idea which human is going to be the nice one. They seem charming, respectful and kind. But they turn, leaving me like this poor dog. Scared and distrustful.

This human needs a Hopes For Paws. Or maybe Hopes for Hands and Feet since I don't have paws...

I want a puppy.

Through the Pain

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

The bottle is huge, the book is thick. My share of sorrow is expansive. I'm sure a lot of yours too. There's an ocean of tears. None of us are immune to pain, sorrow, disappointment, hurt, and betrayal. 

It's what we do through the pain that matters. The pathway between the initial "strike" or "infliction" and the joy on the other side. It's a murky and foggy time. The light peeks through the dark long enough for temporary relief but then the wave of pain and remembrance returns. 

The bounce from one extreme to another never really ends. But there is the other side. The side that allows a new beginning. The new normal.

Just like a physical wound, the healing seems all done from the outside, but we soon realize the scars are deep. Very deep. Fragile. If we aren't careful another strike can re-open the wound. 

But then there's the scar tissue. It never goes away completely. But we get stronger and stronger. We learn from the pain or simply accept this as part of our journey. 

We grow.

To finally burst through takes courage, it takes work and energy. To stay in the pain may seem the only option for awhile, however that state isn't how life was intended. 

Through the pain is the way. 

Past the pain is the way. 

Beyond the pain. 

To joy.

Allow the journey through the pain. Your Creator takes note and knows. 

Know Your Worth!

This awesome site Baggage Reclaim has helped me immensely these last few months. Today I read this...

"People don’t always value others or even their things. That doesn’t mean that the person or the object lacks value – it just means that the person doesn’t value it because of their own relationship with themselves and their value system".


And...

"Don’t make judgements about you based on a perspective gained from being treated in a less than manner – spend more time regaining your sense of self and nurturing you, than you do trying to legitimise crappy treatment by ripping your character apart".

I have crazy expensive taste. It never fails, I manage to pick up the most expensive item at the department store. It can be quite frustrating being on a tight budget. At the same time I often shop at Goodwill. Not long ago I found a Barneys New York blazer. To the unaware shopper the blazer probably looked like any other. However, the blazer retails for close to $400.00. I bought it for $7.99.

Just like the blazer, I find others may not recognize my worth. But I know my worth. I also know there are a few that can identify my worth. Those who identify my worth are in for a treat.

YOU are invaluable, know your worth!

I'm Coming Out...

I thought we had come a long way since Loving v. Virginia until I heard that two high profile women Lanisha Cole and Tamera Mowry experienced backlash as a result of their interracial relationships. The backlash was primarily from African Americans which was especially disappointing.

With such a high percentage of unmarried African American women, why not look outside the box? And why blame them for doing so? Most important, why question the power of love which reaches far beyond race, culture or creed.

Perhaps there isn't an attraction, I will give them that. But for me that isn't an issue. I simply find myself attracted to Caucasian men. I have dated men of various races/cultures of course but somehow I cannot deny my attraction.

This picture below represents my "type". Put these guys in a blender and you have my dream come true! So there you have it, I'm out of the closet.