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Monday, October 3, 2011

Not Left or Right

I was a Republican. For about 6 years. After being a Democrat for many years before. I am more of an independent now but the real point of this statement is how I became a Republican.

I have mentioned in passing to some about my time spent in a strict legalistic Christian movement. Sometimes I refer to it as a cult. But that isn't exactly fair to those in the movement I removed myself from. Fact is, I know wonderful and kind Christians who live their lives in the way that Christ intended (or at least try to by the grace of God).

But there was a time when I wasn't a kind and loving Christian. Somehow I equated my new life in Christ as a complete denial of who I am and how God made me. I threw away all music that was secular, changed my wardrobe, stopped dancing, gave up my acting pursuits, decided to badger unbelieving friends and family with scripture. At a point I had no reference to anything in the world outside of church. So I had not way to relate to anyone outside of the church.

Something happened in that particular church. Something very hurtfut. It was a huge 'wake up call'. Although not enough to turn me away from the extreme changes to my life. Somehow the pain pushed me further into the extreme changes. The changes not imposed by God but by man. By religion.

When I decided to go to the college affiliated with the church I was a member of, that was the breaking point. I sincerely believe God sent me there. Just like He allowed me to be apart of the church movement I joined. But at this point I realized that the extreme legalistic living was not allowing me to truly experience God's love and healing. Instead I was in a constant state of a critical spirit. I sought man made perfection and approval instead of God.

So when I finally graduated I was convinced that I could not return to the church from which I came. I was really confused about who I was. At this point I morphed into someone I did not even know. Who was I? I still ask this question as I look back on pictures of the time I spent in the 'movement'.

Now I find myself on the opposite side of the spectrum. Or not exactly. Perhaps in the middle.

To conservative Christians, my choices and way of life would not be appreciated. I would be called a 'backslider' or maybe even a heathen. To the very liberal or nonbeliever I would be called closed minded or perhaps religious. Neither is correct at this point. So I find myself stuck inbetween two worlds...

Christ was too. He was critized for hanging out with tax collectors and other 'unsavory' types. Even His own denied Him. So in a way I understand that this is the way it will be. But it doesn't make it easy to connect and find likeminded people.

Which is why I have not been to church as regularly as I would like. I almost feel like I did when I first became a Christian. Unsure, hoping that they will accept who I am. For who God made me. I finally feel like I made others feel. This is humbling. But it is so difficult. To not find fellowship with anyone in particular.

So back to my political affiliation. As I watch the upcoming election coverage I find it hard to believe that I actually agreed with what those in my former party affiliation. And it is difficult to admit that I aligned myself with such conservative ideology. And yet I don't fully agree with the other side either. I am neither Left or Right. But dead Center.

And belonging nowhere in particular.

But at least I know who I am and trust that God will have His say in how I need to live, love, learn. Pray. I still believe in Him and do not apologize for that but I do apologize for falsely representing Him. May God have mercy.

In Love, In Christ...

Romans 8:28