My last post discussed my response to the Cosby rape allegations. But another news story brought up some unpleasant memories from my past once again.
A New York Times article discussed recent recommendations regarding the sexual abuse cover up affiliated with my alma mater Bob Jones University.
According to the article...
"Bob Jones University told sexual abuse victims they were to blame for their situations, some of which took place for long periods of childhood; report says university actively advised victims not to report such incidents to police; respondents to confidential survey detailed hurtful, often startling treatment by the evangelical Christian institution"
I may need to explain the reason I attended BJU in a separate blog post since I get questions whenever I am brave enough to actually admit to attending the school. But I did go to BJU and what the article states is not at all surprising.
I attended an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church (IFB) while I lived in New York City from 1998-2003. When I first arrived I felt the people to be loving and kind. But soon, the extreme doctrine the pastor preached was taking over my life. I was a dancer, musician and actor but gave all of that up to serve God. I wanted to go into the music ministry and since my former pastor attended BJU, I decided to get my Master's degree there.
Before I left for BJU in 2003, one of the elders in the church was acting inappropriately towards the women in the congregation. Both single and married. To shed some light on what is regarded as inappropriate in this environment I need to explain the male and female dynamics in an IFB church.
Men and women who are not married are not to touch beyond a hand shake. IF that. Depending on the person a short side hug may be appropriate. But hardly. Especially between an unmarried man and woman. The picture below illustrates my point beautifully. Or you can watch a couple of episodes of 19 Kids and Counting to get an even better idea.
The elder in the church would continually flirt with women. It got to the point where there was a competition between the single girls in church over who would get his attention each week. At the same time I hung out with him at a mutual friend's home and communicated with him via email regularly. Thinking his flirting, emails of a sexual nature and winking was an indication of interest I began to follow his "lead". After 6-8 months of this cat and mouse chase, I learned I was just another conquest. And it was pretty devastating. I guess I was expecting the men in church to treat women with more respect and care than when I interacted with men outside of the church.
After I got over the situation I realized what he was doing was not only harmful to individuals but to the church as a whole. The pastor constantly preached on the purity of the church so I thought that this situation was detrimental to the health of the church. I knew it was really bad when a fellow church member called me crying about how she was sure he was coming on to her but then he later said he didn't mean it.
So I went through the steps in Matthew 18:15
1- If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private - I went to him in private to discuss the situation. He said he had issues with sexual thoughts. OK.
2- If he listens to you, you have won your brother. - The behavior continued.
3- But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. - I went with a friend, still the behavior continued, we finally went to the pastor.
What was interesting is that when I told the other women I was going to the pastor, none of them would come with me. Only one faithful friend did. But there were at least 3 other women who could have joined me. But didn't.
The final word from the pastor in this entire ordeal? "Well, he is an attractive man." my reply..."What is THAT supposed to mean"
You have to understand this was only 2 years after the ordeal surrounding the director exposing himself to me at Second City. So as a result, this blow to my trust reopened the wound. I was admittedly suicidal and I lost a lot of weight, nearly 15 pounds. By the grace of GOD I did not throw myself in front of a subway train.
After graduation I returned to New York City and told the pastor I would not be returning to the church because he tolerated sinful behavior from one of the elders. His response... "He is a good friend of mine and he seeks to glorify God"
This elder did not act out on any of these sexual conversations, at least with me. But who knows if a woman is hiding a sexual assault incident because she knows the pastor and congregation would blame her for it. Or do nothing about it.
The folks affiliated with the IFB want to distance and distinguish themselves from the Orthodox Catholic Church and Fundamental Islam. But they are really the same. They cover up sexual abuses in the church and stone victims of abuse, perhaps not physically but emotionally and spiritually.
May God have mercy.
