A strange thing happened in the car this morning. I was listening to a classical music station on the radio for a change of pace. Well to be honest, my AUX cord broke off inside my iPhone so I'm unable to listen to Internet radio or my own play list.
Chopin Ballad No. 3 started to play, what a treat! During my days as a pianist I loved playing Chopin more than any other composer.
This is when the strange happened.
Either repressed or delayed feelings made my eyes drown with tears as I listened to that Ballad again. I mean the huge alligator tears one gets after heartbreak.
I closed the lid on my Young Chang baby grand piano close to 20 years ago. I closed the lid many times before, but this time it was closing the lid or chapter on my hopes and dreams to play the piano professionally.
I didn't cry at the time or feel overwhelming sadness from what I can remember. But I believe I underestimated how painful that was. Piano meant the world to me. I lived and breathed nothing but the piano. I can't compare anything else I have done since with that obsessive dream. Not even my current dream is that powerful.
I think of closing the lid again on this 'career'. It's hard. But with this delayed feeling coming to the surface after all these years, I have second thoughts. Living with a dream unrealized is hard and painful. But the pain I felt today after realizing I let that dream die was overwhelming.
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